


You're not holding up your end of the bargain (but I'll continue to hold up mine)

by idhrenn



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Hope & Penelope friendship, Memory Loss, prepare for angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-10 22:02:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18669238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idhrenn/pseuds/idhrenn
Summary: Penelope wishes she was still the cause of that laugh, but she isn't anymore and after today she’ll never be again.Goodbye, Josie.Hanahaki Disease AU





	1. My breath's burning in my lungs (I wonder when I'm gonna catch a break)

_I guess love’s a funny thing –_ _  
__The way it fades away without a warning_ _  
__It doesn’t ask to be excused_ _  
__And when it’s gone – oh, it’s gone –_ _  
__It ain’t ever comin’ back_  
  
In hindsight she should have known that something like this was going to happen after all, no good deed goes unpunished.  
  
Josie stands in front of her, still in her dress from the Miss Mystic Falls pageant which MG escorted her to after the girl had found out about Penelope spelling the pens and they're fighting or rather Josie is fighting. Penelope has already given up, after the girl had cornered her and started accusing her of having spied on her before they even broke up.  
  
"You know, I can't believe I was ever with you! How can you spy on someone you're in a relationship with?" Josie yells, her voice full of anger and her eyes blazing with hatred and disgust.  
  
Her words hit Penelope square in the chest. How can Josie believe this? Penelope had never spied on her when they were together – only after. Before Christmas, one of the witches in her clique had dared her to spell the pens as a challenge and to gift them to everyone and Penelope wouldn’t be Penelope Park, HWIC, if she backed down from a challenge.  
  
So, she had done it and gifted them to everyone, including Josie because it would be pretty telling if she didn’t gift one to her own girlfriend, but she didn’t read Josie's entries.  
  
"Josie, listen to me! I didn’t read them when we were together, I swear!" It's the wrong thing to say.  
  
"So, you read them after…I can't believe this!" Josie seems like she's overflowing with emotions, like they are threatening to spill over.  
  
"I…yes. Yes, I did," Penelope admits and Josie looks at her like she's lost her mind. Maybe she has.  
  
"It wasn’t to spy on you or to get some dirty secret or something…I just wanted…" she trails of because she doesn’t know how to finish her sentence. What had she wanted? She had just wanted to know if her ex was alright, if she was finally ready to stand up for herself.  
  
Because the truth was, Penelope had stopped treating the pens as something fun after she had read what Josie's dad had written one day. When she read his entry about the Merge, her entire world had collapsed. Reading that the twins would have to merge on their 22nd birthday and that only the stronger one would survive had broken her heart.  
  
That Josie might die had scared her, because she knew that Josie would sacrifice herself for Lizzie in a heartbeat. That was why she had broken up with Josie and that was why she wanted her ex to stand up to Lizzie. Before she can even explain her reasons, Josie continues to yell at her.  
  
"You wanted what? To find out if you could weasel your way back into my life after you broke my heart? To make stupid comments towards Lizzie and turn me against her?"  
  
The accusations hurt and suddenly she feels a sharp pain in her chest. It feels like something is crawling through her lungs into her throat. It feels like she can't breathe, so she can't even defend herself.  
  
Josie seems to take her silence as confirmation to continue tearing her heart out.  
  
"You know what…I don’t even want to know…just leave me alone from now on," Josie says tears in her eyes and then she says the words that will haunt Penelope for weeks to come.  
  
"I regret that I didn’t listen to Lizzie, she knew who you really are, and I was just too blind to see it. You really are Satan and I hate you so much."  
  
Penelope's heart shatters and Josie just leaves, not even caring that she just left Penelope in shambles, but Penelope has no time to dwell on her broken heart because the pain in her chest comes back stronger than before.  
  
It's why Penelope finds herself on her knees on the floor of her room in front of the trashcan, throwing up freaking petals, just a few minutes after her conversation with Josie.  
  
When she is done, she just sits there on the floor, looking at all the flowers around her. They are beautiful and she hates them. She hates the fact that she has physical proof of Josie not being in love with her anymore. She hates that she now has an illness that makes her throw up fucking flowers.  
  
She hates all of it.  
  
**  
  
The real coughing begins two days after the first petals came and it hurts. It feels like her throat is constantly on fire, until she has thrown up so many flowers that it’s raw and aching. The petals mostly come at night, so her new hobby is throwing them up into her trashcan and then cleaning it up afterwards.  
  
She is glad she has the dorm to herself because she wouldn’t want to tell a roommate that she’s coughing up flowers.  
  
It starts getting progressively worse over the course of the next week, until she starts to lose sleep because she throws up the whole night through. The pain also worsens to the point where her head is pounding all the time, her throat is burning constantly, and she feels herself getting weaker every day until even the walk to her classes is exhausting.  
  
The second week, the cough also starts occurring during the day, so Penelope confines herself to her room. She stops going to the games, the parties or the library, basically she doesn’t go anywhere that isn't class or the mandatory assemblies and no one notices or cares. Her “friends” didn’t care enough about her too, they were less friends and more acquaintances, so it was no surprise that they didn’t care.  
  
As for the people she actually started to like…well, the reason for their indifference becomes clear to her when she decides to sneak into the kitchen one night and Hope and MG are there.  
  
They turn around when she enters and once, they realize who it is, their eyes fill with anger.

That’s when she knows that they know what she did.  
  
Josie told them that she spelled those pens. Penelope didn’t expect that Josie would tell them, but she shouldn’t be surprised. Josie doesn’t trust her anymore; Josie doesn’t love her anymore. Why would she keep her secret?  
  
"You spied on us?" they say in unison and the pure anger in their voices almost breaks her. She likes to act like she needs no one, but she considered Hope and MG friends or at least people she would like to be friends with.  
  
Well, there goes that.  
  
"Yes – " she tries to say more, to apologize but then the all too familiar pain shoots through her body and she feels petals coming up her throat. She manages to swallow them.  
  
"Yes, but it's not what you guys think –" she starts to say, but MG doesn’t let her.  
  
"What do you mean? You gave everyone spelled pens; Josie told us! How can this not be what we think, Penelope?"  
  
The use of her full name hurts her more than she anticipated, MG hasn’t used it for a long time. It was always "Peez". She opens her mouth to answer, but MG doesn’t give her the opportunity to do that.  
  
"I thought we were friends, but I guess not. Friends don’t pull shit like this!" With that MG turns around and then it's only her and Hope.  
  
"Hope I can explain everything, there's more to it than you know," she starts to say, but Hope stops her.  
  
"I am really angry at you right now, Penelope. You had no right to do this, no matter your reasons. Just keep your distance for a while and maybe I'll consider listening to you, just not right now."  
  
Hope's voice is surprisingly calm, her speech not even sounding that angry, but Penelope guesses that the tribrid just has better self-control. After all, she knows how scared the girl is of losing control. With her speech clearly over, Hope turns to leave.  
  
"Hope," Penelope calls out and the other girl turns around. "I am sorry," Penelope says and she truly means it.  
  
Hope nods in acknowledgement.  
  
"I accept that, but the others do not. Just stay away, until things calm down." the tribrid says, then she continues.  
  
"I managed to convince them not to tell Dr. Saltzman by the way." With that, Hope leaves.  
  
"Thank you." Penelope whispers into the empty kitchen. She waits until she’s sure that Hope is gone, only then does she leave. She really couldn’t handle another confrontation.  
  
She retreats back to her room, spending the rest of the day throwing up petals and wallowing in self-pity. Even though she knows that she didn’t do what she did out of malice, she knows it wasn’t right.  
  
Josie telling everyone what she did hurts her, as well as the reactions from Hope and MG. Not that she doesn’t deserve it, their anger is completely justified. What she did was wrong, but the fact that they didn’t even let her explain and just assumed the worst hurts her more than she would have expected.  
  
She lies down on her bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling miserable for herself. She realizes that, though not for the first time in her life, but certainly the hardest one, she is alone.  
  
**  
  
It’s ironic that when she first starts coughing up blood along with the flowers, Josie is not even there. She and Lizzie are visiting her mother in Europe again and Penelope is glad. Lizzie had not missed one opportunity to taunt her with what she did, but Penelope couldn’t find it in herself to be mad or defend herself. She was well aware that she deserved it.  
  
She was far too exhausted to do anything more than throwing up and falling asleep from the exhaustion of throwing up.  
  
The entire school is still shunning Penelope, but it doesn’t matter much to her after the first night of Josie's one week stay in Europe, when she wakes up from the now familiar pressure and pain rising in her throat.  
  
She barely makes it to her trashcan when a dozen white flowers coated in her blood burst from her throat. They don’t stop coming for an alarming amount of time, until she’s covered in sweat and her throat is raw and burning. She manages to drag herself from the trashcan to her bed and soon falls asleep from exhaustion.  
  
When Josie comes back a week later, the throwing up has progressed to the point that she can't even attend most classes. The teachers are worried about her, she can see it, but she placates them with making up that she has a cold.  
  
The first time she sees Josie, the pain immediately increases, even though Josie doesn’t even acknowledge her. Still, her body reacts to even the smallest trace of Josie, even if it's just her perfume lingering in the air or if Penelope is just fucking thinking about her. Even though she only catches glimpses of Josie, her throat is closing up all the time and an increasing quantity of flowers fills her trashcan every single night.  
  
Penelope is in the library alone late at night like she has been for the past week, studying for a test in Chemistry of Magic. She is glad that her classmates still shun her, so that there’s no one there to witness her leaving to go throw up flowers. She would still prefer to do it in the privacy of her own room but Mrs. Taylor, the librarian insists that they’re not allowed to take the books to their rooms.  
  
The text in front of Penelope is already half read when she suddenly hears a familiar giggle and then she sees Rafael and Josie walk into the library. Or rather, they stumble into the library because they’re busy kissing.  
  
Penelope feels like throwing up and she doesn’t mean the whole “throwing up flowers” kind.  
  
Rafael _and_ Josie.  
  
It shouldn’t surprise her as much as it does, after all she knew that Josie had been interested in the werewolf, but she didn’t realize that they were actually together.  
  
She hates him, hates wolf boy for dating a girl that is far to good for him and she hates herself for ever breaking up with Josie. If she hadn’t, none of this would be happening.    
  
The couple hasn’t noticed her yet, so she clears her throat and Rafael and Josie immediately jump apart. Both of them turned around and she sees the surprise in both of their faces. She gives them what she hopes is one of her trademark smirks but judging by the pity in wolf boy’s eyes – which is something she didn't expect – it doesn’t work. Rafael’s reaction is unusual, but it’s Josie who totally blindsides her.  
  
As soon as the girl registers her, she inches closer to Rafael.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Josie demands, animosity in her voice.  
  
“I could ask the two of you the same thing,” she replies. Rafael has the decency to look guilty, but Josie looks like she doesn't even care that Penelope has caught them.  
  
Penelope wants to challenge her, to get Josie to feel some sort of remorse, the way she herself now does, but before she can do that, the flowers are rising in her throat once more.  
  
“You know what, I don’t care. I just remembered that I need to be anywhere but here.” With that, she magically gathers her stuff and flees the library.  
  
She doesn’t make it to her room, so she darts into one of the bathrooms, gets into the empty booth and empties an alarming number of flowers mixed with blood into the bowl.  
  
After what feels like an eternity, she’s finally done and gets out of the booth. She stumbles towards the sink, the pain still tearing through her and that’s why she doesn’t notice the other person in the bathroom with her.  
  
She jumps when she hears a voice asking her if she’s okay and she almost expects it to be Josie who followed her, but it’s Hope.  
  
“Penelope, are you okay?" The tribrid asks again and Penelope almost wants to roll her eyes from the sheer ridiculousness of that question. She doesn’t look okay; she looks like death. She's pale, she has lost weight from not being able to eat properly anymore and her hands are shaking.  
  
Before she can answer Hope, the pain makes itself known again and she throws up again. This time it's white flowers, coated in blood exploding from her throat.  
  
Once she is finally done, she looks up and looks at Hope, who is staring at her with a horrified expression on her face. Penelope smirks.  
  
"Just peachy, Mikaelson," she quips and is almost proud of herself for still being able to be sarcastic before she sees the pity creeping into Hope's eyes.  
  
"Stop that, I’m Satan Incarnate, remember?" She wants Hope to leave her alone, she can deal with this, but Hope doesn’t do her that favor.  
  
"That doesn’t matter anymore, you're…you're –," Penelope doesn’t let Hope finish her sentence.  
  
"I know, Mikaelson, no need to say it out loud." That shuts Hope up and then the girl helps Penelope clean up.  
  
After that, she accompanies Penelope back to her room and helps her change, because Penelope is too weak from throwing up to do it herself.  
  
"Can you stay? I don’t really want to be alone now." Penelope hates how weak and needy she sounds, but for once, she doesn’t want to hide behind a sharp tongue and layers of sarcasm. Surprise darts across Hope’s face her request, but then her eyes soften, and she gives her a slight smile.  
  
"Of course, Pen."  
  
Penelope smiles back and then she gives Hope some clothes to sleep in. Together they get into bed and for the first time since she broke up with Josie, Penelope actually gets a full night's sleep.  
  
She doesn’t even throw up once.  
  
**  
  
Hope helps her hide it from the others and she takes care of Penelope in a way she has never known.  
  
There had never been a lot of warmth in her family and she had soon learned to take care of herself. Her parents were rich, but distant and cold to their only daughter. They had never really shown her any love, just disinterest in anything concerning her.  
  
Her magic had interested them, because their coven was known for being full of powerful witches, but even that had lessened over time and they shipped her off to the Salvatore School at 13.  
  
The only person to ever show her warmth had been Josie, but that had been different, they had been a couple after all.  
  
Hope feels like her sister or at least what Penelope imagines what having a sister must be like, having observed enough siblings in her life. The tribrid takes care of her, but they still bicker and exchange sarcastic remarks.  
  
It's nice to forget about everything for a while and just sit in her room and watch stupid Netflix shows. They do that most of the time, when Penelope is not busy throwing up and even then, Hope's presence soothes the pain.  
  
She even asks Penelope about the pens and when Penelope tells her the truth, she forgives her and even promises not to tell the twins about the Merge. The tribrid promises to talk to Dr. Saltzman though and then she explains why she was so calm about what Penelope had done. As ist turns out, she and Hope both have an ambivalent relationship with the truth. Hope didn’t tell Landon about meeting his mum and when the boy found out, by listening in on a conversation she had with Dr. Saltzman, he broke up with her.  
  
So, they're sitting in the same boat.  
  
One day Hope suggests that they get out of her room for once and do something else.  
  
"Apparently, Mystic Falls High organized some kind of festival? They call it "Jolly Days Festival." Penelope pulls a face at that and Hope grins.  
  
"Normally I wouldn’t like it either, but you shouldn’t just sit in your room, lets have some fun for a change!" Hope actually looks excited so Penelope relents reluctantly.  
  
"Fine," she sighs.  
  
(In hindsight, it was the worst idea Hope has ever had.)  
  
**  
  
When they get to the festival, it actually looks kind of fun. There are a dozen different stands on the streets of Mystic Falls, one does Henna tattoos, some sell foods and there's even a guy with balloons. There's also a petting zoo, Penelope doesn’t even know where the school got the animals from, there are booths with games and even a hot air balloon.  
  
Penelope has to admit it's pretty cool, but she would never say it out loud and for the first time since she started throwing up flowers, she’s ready to have fun.  
  
It doesn’t stay that way for long.  
  
"What are you doing with her, Hope? Did you already forget what she did?" A voice says behind them and it's not Lizzie.  
  
It's _Josie_.  
  
The pain she got so used to instantly shoots through her and Penelope barely manages to swallow the petals coming up her throat. Then she turns around.  
  
The sight that greets her drives another knife into her heart. Josie is holding hands with Rafael and is looking at her with complete hatred.  
  
Even Lizzie, MG and Landon look like they are surprised by Josie's apparent aggression.  
  
Hope answers before Penelope has even processed the hatred rolling off of Josie in waves. The other girls' hands are clenched into fists and she looks ready to punch her.  
  
"Josie, stop it! You didn’t even know what really happened."  
  
"Oh, stop defending her!" Now Lizzie gets involved. "She's lying to you, Hope! Why can't you see that?" Hope scoffs at that.  
  
"She broke my heart; I don’t have to forgive her for anything!" Josie screams.  
  
"I didn’t say you have to forgive her, but the least you could do is listen to her," Hope insists.  
  
"Are the two of you a thing now or why are you defending her?" There is a tone of jealousy in Josie's voice. But then she feels anger pool in her stomach, because of course Josie is jealous, so she decides to finally to join the conversation.  
  
"Why? Are you jealous Jo-Jo?" Her tone comes out much more bitter and harsher than she intended, and she sees Josie flinch, like she has been caught, but then Josie schools her face into a cold mask.  
  
"I just don’t want her to fall for your stupid lies!" Penelope closes her eyes in pain, both physical and mental and she wonders how many times this one girl can break her heart this year.  
  
She guesses this is her punishment, before she dies, having the one girl she would do anything for, did everything for, hate her with every single fiber of her being.  
  
If their positions were reversed, she would listen to Josie, would listen to her reasons and then decide to judge her or not. Apparently, Josie doesn't think she deserves that small mercy and that is what kills her. That after she had only ever shown Josie her love for her, the other girl believes that Penelope never cared for her, which couldn't be further from the truth. Penelope loves Josie so, so much that it's literally killing her, and she wonders why she's being punished for loving someone.  
  
She had broken her own heart, to make sure that Josie would fight for herself and maybe, just maybe have a chance at survival and this is her reward? Having Josie hate her, insult her and accuse her of never loving her?  
  
_Thanks, universe._  
  
What hurts her most of all, is the accusation that she never loved Josie at all. Apparently she plays the part of the villain so well that Josie forgot everything they shared before their break-up.  
  
Deep down, Penelope knows that it’s not really Josie’s fault. She made sure Josie would hate her and never find out why she had sacrificed everything they had. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t tear her apart every time Josie looks at her with pure hatred in her eyes.  
  
Josie's voice breaks her out of her thoughts, and she realizes that she has lost track of the conversation.  
  
"I don’t think this is the right place to have this conversation, Josie. Penelope and I will leave now," Hope states, with this scary calm voice she gets when she's barely keeping back from letting her tribrid loose.  
  
Without even waiting for an answer, Hope grabs Penelope's by the arm and speeds off, using her werewolf speed.  
  
When the two finally stop moving, they are near the edge of town with no one around to witness Penelope falling to her knees the moment Hope lets her go.  
  
“Hope…I can’t…I can’t breathe…” That’s all Penelope manages to say, before she empties a dozen flowers coated in dark blood onto the ground.  
  
She throws up for so long, that she worries she may never stop. Flowers over flowers, in all kinds of colors, spill onto the floor and her blood soon covers the ground as well.  
  
Hope is right there next to her, gently rubbing her back and telling her that she's going to be fine.  
  
Suddenly, there’s another voice behind them.  
  
“Peez?”  
  
MG looks at the flowers around them, completely horrified and then he is right beside Hope in the blink of an eye. Penelope looks up at him and she is glad to see that he doesn’t look angry anymore.  
  
He looks terrified.  
  
“Peez, why didn’t you say anything?” He asks, desperation and confusion in his voice.  
  
“I didn’t want…to…burden anymore, Hope found out by accident.” She is surprised that she’s even able to form full sentences.  
  
“You’re not a burden, Peez…,” he trails of and then his face contorts into an expression of regret. “I’m sorry…I was just so angry…”  
  
“It’s okay.” She says. He looks like he wants to argue, but when she throws up again, both he and Hope rub her back and tell her she’s going to be alright.  
  
(They all know they’re lying.)  
  
**  
  
After the Mystic Falls incident, Penelope tries to push both of them away because she doesn’t want them to lose their friends for a dying girl. They don’t let her finish her sentence, before they tell her to shut up and tell her she won’t have to go through this alone.  
  
Penelope begrudgingly accepts that she won’t get rid of them and so they continue to spend time together, despite the fact that most of the time, they have to rub her back while she throws up over the course of the next month and help her clean up the mess afterwards.  
  
She is also getting weaker and thinner every day and when Hope finally suggests asking her aunt Freya about some potions for the pain, Penelope is too weak to argue.  
  
What she doesn’t expect, is Hope's aunt telling her about a spell that can help her. It's a very old, long forgotten spell that will take all her memories of Josie and the love she has for her. Hope must have seen the pure horror in Penelope's eyes because she quickly backtracks.  
  
"I don’t think Penelope is going to do that, but thanks Freya. Love you," Hope says, before she hangs up, after her aunt has echoed her goodbye.  
  
"You're right, Hope, I can't do this. I don't want to forget Josie," she says, and she continues to say that for the next week, until something changes her mind.  
  
She sees Josie.  
  
The girl is sitting on one of the couches in the lounge, reading a book and she looks so beautiful just sitting there that Penelope can't help but to stare at her. She realizes that she has to talk to Josie, has to try to make amends before her time is up.  
  
She goes to sit on the couch across from Josie and watches as the girl freezes, noticing her presence. Still, Josie ignores her for a good 5 minutes until she realizes that Penelope is not going anywhere.  
  
That’s when she puts her book down.  
  
"What do you want, Evil One? Come to tell me more lies?" Her tone is cruel, far crueler than Penelope has sounded on her most bitchy days.  
  
"No," she says through the flowers clogging up her airway. "I just wanted to tell you something. It will only take a minute and then I'll be out of your hair, I promise." Josie must sense the absolute desperation radiating off of her, because she sets her book down.  
  
"Fine, your minute starts now," Josie says and Penelope smiles despite herself, because who could have guessed that Josie Saltzman has a mean streak a mile wide.  
  
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. For everything. For breaking up with you and for reading your diary. I just need you to know, that I never meant to hurt you on purpose and that you should really read the letter that I gave you before the talent show.”  
  
"I can't do that. I burned it," Josie snaps and in that moment, Penelope makes her decision.  
  
She's going to ask Hope to use the spell on her, she can't do this anymore. She was ready to die because she couldn’t fathom not loving the girl in front of her, but in the end is it really worth it? Is it really worth dying for someone who hates you? Is Josie really worth dying for?  
  
For the girl who didn’t want to hear her reasons, didn’t want to hear the truth and who hasn’t even read her letter.  
  
"Oh…okay then I just want you to know that…I want you to be happy Josie. If you don't believe anything else, please believe that," she says, holding back her tears and swallowing the flowers in her throat. She isn't lying. She truly wants the other girl to be happy, to live a long, fulfilled life and die peacefully in her sleep at age 80.

Josie looks up after she uttered those words and for a moment, their eyes meet. Penelope watches as Josie takes her in and if she didn't know any better, she'd think that Josie looks worried about her.  
  
Before either of them can say anything, Rafael suddenly appears from nowhere and plops down next to Josie, completely oblivious to the fact that he's interrupting.  
  
_Damn you, wolf boy_ , Penelope thinks.  
  
"Was that all you wanted to say to me?" Josie asks coldly and that's when Rafael notices Penelope's presence. He looks like he wants to comment, but Penelope shuts that down really fast by giving him one of her death glares, the one that makes people cower in front of her and Rafael is no exception.  
  
Penelope nods towards Josie and then she turns to leave, hearing Rafael asking Josie what they talked about and Josie telling him that it’s not that important. Had she been listening closer; she would have heard how unsure Josie sounds when she says that.  
  
But she doesn’t. All she hears is Josie laughing a moment later, when Rafael cracks a joke at her expense. God, Penelope wishes she was still the cause of that laugh, but she isn't anymore and after today she’ll never be again.  
  
_Goodbye, Josie._  
  
She leaves the lounge, Josie's laughter still ringing in her ears, knowing that she won't remember any of this tomorrow.  
  
**  
  
She knocks on Hope's door that same night. Hope opens the door after a few minutes and seeing the look on Penelope’s face, her eyes fill with worry.  
  
"Are you okay? Is it getting worse?" She questions, but Penelope only asks her to let her in.  
Once the door closes behind them, Penelope starts talking.  
  
"I want you to do the spell. The one that will make me forget Josie and I want you to do it now," she demands. Surprise flashes in Hope’s eyes.  
  
"Are you sure?" The girl asks and she nods.  
  
"Yes, I am, I can't live like this anymore, Hope. Josie hates me and I don’t want to die, I'm far too pretty for that." Her joke does nothing to defuse the seriousness of the situation.  
  
"Are you sure you're ready to lose your memories? Also, there's a risk that you might never be able to love someone again, I called Freya again and she said that she forgot that it was the reason that people don’t use that spell anymore," Hope explains.  
  
"I don’t care, Hope! All I have left is pain and I don't want to suffer anymore. Please, help me. Please." Her voice breaks. Great, she has to beg now, but Hope nods.  
  
"Okay, I'll do it," she agrees and steps closer to hug her.  
  
"Thank you," she whispers, pulling Hope closer. “Please don’t tell MG about this,” she asks Hope and the girl nods once more.  
  
After they let each other go, Hope prepares to cast the spell and when she's done with the preparations, she asks Penelope again if she’s really serious.  
  
“Yes, Hope, I am sure. I want you to do this. I asked you to do this, remember? I don’t want to love her anymore it’s literally killing me," she says, slightly annoyed, although she knows that Hope is only trying to take care of her.  
  
She doesn’t see another way out of this. Dying is not really something she wants, and she knows she can’t tell Josie, because Josie made it more than clear that she hates her.  
  
This is her last resort and it seems like the desperate, pleading look she knows is on her face is enough to sweep Hope’s lasting doubts away, because the tribrid closes her eyes and begins the incantation.  
  
Pain tears through her like wildfire, making her scream and Hope almost stops the incantation, but she shakes her head. Hope continues and the room starts to disappear around her, her vision going white at the edges.  
  
The last thing she sees before she gives into the darkness is Josie’s smiling face.  
  
**  
  
_Her knuckles rap on the doorway of the twins’ room and she sees Josie looking up when she enters the room._ _  
__  
__"Hey Jo-Jo. Need an escort?" There's a moment of silence, before Josie answers her._ _  
__  
__"Sure. Do you know anyone whose heart isn’t made of stone?" Penelope feels her heart sink and she wants to slap herself for thinking this was a good idea._ _  
__  
__The words are cruel, and she hates herself for reacting so strongly, but Josie accusing her of not having feelings? It hurts._ _  
__  
__She still apologizes to Josie about her comments regarding Lizzie, but she can’t help but point out that Lizzie is the one with a date. That once again, Lizzie is the one who gets to shine while Josie is in the shadows and she sees the effect her words have on Josie._ _  
__  
__“See? You have crawled so far down the codependence rabbit hole that you think taking care of yourself is selfish?”_ _  
__  
__Penelope hates that Josie never seems to take care of herself, but she’s trying to help her with that, and she hopes that her words will have an impact on her._ _  
__  
__She wishes that Josie will manage to stand up for herself more. She has to, because Penelope can’t lose her._ _  
__  
__Her mind jumps back from this depressing memory, to one of her happiest moments with Josie. They are in Penelope’s room, on her bed, completely tangled up in each other, watching One Day at a Time._ _  
__  
__Or at least, Josie’s watching it. Penelope only has eyes for Josie. She only ever had eyes for Josie._ _  
__  
__How her brown eyes light up when something funny happens on screen, how the sunlight filtering through the curtains casts a halo around her head, making the girl look like an angel._ _  
__  
__“I love you, Jo-Jo.”_ _  
__  
__Silence fills the room and Penelope panics, when Josie doesn’t say anything._ _  
__  
__“I mean I…,” Penelope tries to backtrack, but then Josie grabs her arm and finally looks at her. There are tears in her eyes, but she’s smiling._ _  
__  
__“I love you, too, Penny.” The words come out as a whisper, but there still full of conviction and tenderness. They take the breath right out of Penelope’s lungs, because while she knew she loved Josie, she wasn’t sure the other girl felt the same._ _  
__  
__Josie is looking at her, nervousness evident in her expression, because Penelope stares at her like an idiot._ _  
__  
__Before Josie can react, Penelope has already moved. She gently takes Josie’s face between her hands and kisses her._ _  
__  
__They quickly lose themselves in the kiss and Penelope’s heart feels like it’s ready to burst._ _  
__  
__She’s never been happier._ _  
__  
__Before she can revel in the feeling of pure happiness, the scene changes around her. Now, she’s in a familiar hallway and the other girl is in a bathrobe, yelling at her._ _  
__  
__“You’re the reason I got buried alive on my birthday.” The accusation hurts, because she would never want Josie to get hurt, ever. But her ex doesn’t seem to realize that, because she goes on regardless._ _  
_ _  
__“I took your advice – I wanted something, and I went for it. I made the selfish move, and I ended up fighting a zombie,” Josie asserts, and Penelope can’t help but think that her ex is pretty hot when she’s fighting for herself._ _  
__  
__“There's room for people in this world that just care about other people. Not everybody has to be a show-boat!” Josie states resolutely and Penelope agrees with her._ _  
__  
__Then all she remembers is kissing this girl that she knows she loves, but she suddenly realizes that the features she could see so clearly before start to blur._ _  
__  
__She can’t even recall the color of Josie’s beautiful eyes._ _  
__  
__The scene around her changes again._ _  
__  
__This time she’s exiting her driver’s car in front of the Salvatore School. She quickly says goodbye and then she enters the school, with a bag and a suitcase._ _  
__  
__Once she’s inside, there are two girls waiting for her. One is a blonde with blue eyes, who eyes her up and down, clearly not that pleased._ _  
__  
__The other one, the other one is the most beautiful girl she has ever seen. And it’s not her body or her outfit or anything. No, it’s her eyes. They are a lovely shade of brown and they are soft, but attentive._ _  
__  
__Penelope knows that this girl is kind, gentle and good, just from her eyes._ _  
__  
__“I’m Lizzie,” the blonde one says, but Penelope doesn’t care the slightest, her focus is on the other one._ _  
__  
__“And I’m Josie,” the girl with the beautiful eyes says._ _  
__  
__Josie._ _  
__  
__What a lovely name for a lovely girl. Maybe this school is not so bad after all._ _  
__  
__The scene changes again and by now Penelope is used to it._ _  
__  
__This time she’s at the old mill and Josie is in front of her, wearing a yellow sweater._

_“So, what was in that note that you gave me,” Josie asks, and Penelope is disappointed._

_“You were supposed to read it.” Josie was supposed to read it! She was supposed to know the reason why she did all she did, that Penelope never stopped loving her, not even for a second._ _  
__  
__“You can't just tell me what it says?” Josie asks. Penelope decides not to tell her, but to show her._ _  
__  
__She leans in and kisses her. The kiss barely lasts a second, but it feels a lot like coming home._ _  
__  
__“That's what was in it.”_ _  
__  
__Josie smiles and then she leans in and kisses her again. When Josie pulls away, Penelope leaves her eyes closed for a second more, savoring the kiss in her mind._ _  
__  
__“You know that we're never getting back together, right?”_ _  
__  
__Penelope just smiles, a little sad, and leans her forehead against the other girls’._ _  
__  
__What had been her name again? She knew it was important, but she couldn’t remember for the life of her what it had been. But she knew that she loved the girl in front of her, no matter her name._ _  
__  
__The scene changes again. She is standing in front of a girl in a dark sweater, but she doesn’t recognize her at all._ _  
__  
__"So, all of your selfish, obnoxious and evil meddling was for nothing," the girl says, but Penelope doesn't remember having a conversation like this._ _  
__  
__Another moment surfaces in her head. There's the same girl in a bathrobe, standing right in front of her, fury in her doe-like eyes._ _  
__  
__"I hate you,", the girl spits, fire in her voice. She feels her heart crack, but she doesn't let it show._ _  
__  
__"I know."_  
  
**  
  
Penelope opens her eyes. The first thing she notices is that she is lying in a soft bed and that she feels strange, like there's something missing. Like there is something she should remember; _someone_ she should remember, but she doesn’t even know who it could be.    
  
"Penelope?" She turns her head and her eyes meet two concerned brown eyes. There's a girl sitting next to her bed, holding her hand and looking at her with barely hidden worry in her eyes.  
  
"You're awake," she whispers, relief in her voice. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"I feel fine,” she replies, and the girl smiles at her. She thinks it's a nice smile, but she is confused as to why the girl is there.  
  
“I’m sorry, but who are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Please leave a comment or kudos I love those :) 
> 
> Thanks to DrunkAtComicCon for beta reading and everyone who helped me write this fic!
> 
> For anyone interested: The quote at the beginning is from the song New Storms for older Lovers by La Dispute (who are an amazing band and write amazing songs!!)
> 
> This is an complete overhaul from a story I published last week and some people commented that it was very similar to another fic which was the fic that inspired me to write a Hanahaki Disease AU in the first place.
> 
> They were right so I deleted that version bc, plagiarism, even unintentionally is...bad...and I never want to do it. Also, I LOVED the fic that inspired me and I don't want to insult the author by copying them...
> 
> This story only has a few elements of my old story but otherwise I am really happy with it and it's my own so, yay!


	2. I'll just have to learn to be alright (without you by my side)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who are you?" 
> 
> It’s just three words - three little words - that tear Josie’s heart apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I know it took me a while to post this, but here it is!!
> 
> I had a paper due in one of my history seminars at uni and that took me until today (which was the due date) so sorry about that :( 
> 
> Still, I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Chapter title is from l'exquisite douleur by being as an ocean

_You never know just what you've got_  
_Till it’s slipping through your fingers_  
_Never know just what you've got_  
_Till it’s gone with the wind_

 _And you never miss your shadow_  
_Till there's no one left beside you_  
_You never miss your shadow_  
_Till you're alone, alone in the dark_

Josie is on her way to her Intro to Magical History class when she's passing two witches, Sasha and Emily, in the hallway and hears a part of their conversation.

"Did you hear that Park is in the infirmary?" Emily asks and Josie freezes.

"Yeah, she collapsed or something, Sam told me he saw Mikaelson carry her there," Sasha replies.

"She's probably faking," Emily sneers.

Then the girls leave to get to their class, but Josie is left behind frozen in the hallway.

At first, she's inclined to agree with Emily, but then she thinks about the fact that it was Hope who carried Penelope. Josie knows Hope wouldn't just fake something serious like that and that only leaves one option.

There really is something wrong with Penelope.

Josie is conflicted about whether or not she should go to infirmary. Her head tells her it shouldn't matter to her, that she should be angry, and that Penelope has other people who can take care of her, but the larger part of her tells her that she needs to go.

No matter how much Penelope has hurt her, Josie needs to make sure she's alright, so that's what she does. She gets to the infirmary in record time, opens the dark oak door and gets in.

Hope and MG look up when she enters, and she sees the surprise in their eyes when they see her. Then Hope gets up and Josie immediately knows that Hope is in her protective tribrid mode, but it doesn't matter anymore once she sees Penelope.

The girl is lying on the bed, her skin almost as white as the sheets themselves and Josie's heart drops.

Penelope looks like she's dying.

"What are you doing here, Josie?" Hope asks and Josie sees so much in her blue eyes.

Her fear for Penelope, her protectiveness, something so uniquely Hope and another emotion, directed at her. Josie doesn't understand what it is at first, but then she realizes that it’s pity.

"I just wanted to see her, make sure she's alright," she says, and she sees the confusion in Hope's eyes.

"I’m surprised you care after how you’ve been treating her," Hope accuses, animosity in her voice.

"That doesn’t mean I want her to be hurt," Josie protests, but before either of them can say anything else, there's a cough behind them.

Penelope is moving on the bed, trying to open her eyes and all three of them dart towards her. Josie is the first to reach Penelope's side and she takes one of Penelope’s hands in her own.

"Penelope?" She whispers and the girl opens her eyes to look at her. Josie can’t help the smile blooming on her face at seeing the girl awake.

"You're awake," she whispers. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine," Penelope replies and Josie smiles again, but it disappears the moment Penelope speaks.

"I’m sorry, but…," her brow furrows, confusion in her eyes.

"Who are you?" she asks.

It’s just three words - three little words - that tear Josie’s heart apart and it's only then that Josie realizes that the way Penelope looks at her is all wrong.

Her green eyes are so empty, they lack the teasing spark and the warmth hidden underneath that were normally in them when she looked at her.

The girl looks at her like she has no idea who she is, and Josie realizes that this is real.

Penelope doesn’t remember her. Before she can stop them, her eyes start to sting, and she can barely keep herself together.

Behind her, she can her MG and Hope move and the empty look in Penelope’s eyes disappears completely when she sees them.

"MG! Hope!" she exclaims, a smile lighting up her face in a way Josie has rarely seen. She understands then, that whatever caused Penelope to forget her is obviously purely restricted to her.

"Hey Peez," MG says, relief in his voice. Hope looks the same, but there's also guilt in her eyes.

"Hey Pen," she says, avoiding Josie’s gaze and that’s when Josie understands that Hope knows what’s going on with Penelope.

"Do you know who this is?" Penelope asks, completely innocent and Josie flinches, as the knowledge that Penelope really doesn’t know her, hits her once again.

"Yeah," MG starts to answer, but before he can say more, Josie interrupts him.

"Guys, can I talk to you for a second," she demands, and she doesn't phrase it as a question.

"Sorry Peez, we got to talk to her," MG explains.

"We'll be back in a moment," Hope adds.

"Well, I guess I'm not going anywhere," Penelope jokes, making Hope and MG smile at her, but Josie doesn’t care. All she cares about is finding out what's wrong and she practically drags MG outside the infirmary, all the while glaring at Hope.

Once they are outside, she crosses her arms and looks at them. MG is staring at his feet, but Hope looks at her like she’s trying to find out why Josie is getting so worked up.

"Explain," she demands, her voice sharp. 

"Don't even think about lying," she threatens and sees Hope gulp a little. Surprisingly it’s MG who speaks.

"Okay, so apparently Penelope has or had…Hanahaki Disease," he states, his voice soft, like he can soften the blow with doing that.

"What?" She doesn’t want to believe what she’s hearing, Penelope can’t have Hanahaki, because if she did, she’d be dead.

Josie doesn’t want to think about that, doesn’t want to think about the fact that Penelope should be dead. Still, there was obviously more to it, because Penelope was alive, she just didn’t remember her.

"But…she’s not…she…why doesn’t she remember me?" she asks, barely managing to keep herself together.

It’s Hope who answers this time.

"My aunt Freya told me about a spell to help her," Hope pauses at this, apparently searching for the right way to tell her.

"It's a spell that erases the memory of the person you love," she says gravely and Josie’s heart cracks.

Penelope _loved_ her and it had been _killing_ her, so she had erased all memories of Josie, because it was hurting her.

She stumbles back and flops down onto one of the chairs in the hallway by the infirmary.

Hope and MG look worried but Hope still continues to speak.

"She refused at first, but yesterday she came to my room and asked me to do it. Everything went fine, but then she collapsed, so I brought her here," she explains, but Josie isn’t really listening anymore, her mind flashing back to the conversation she had with Penelope the previous day.

_She sees Penelope sitting on the couch across from her and she stiffens, but she quickly tries to pretend that she didn’t see the other girl._

_After five minutes of pretending to read, hoping the other girl would leave – which she doesn’t – Josie gives up and looks at her ex._

_"What do you want, Evil One? Come to tell me more lies?" She intentionally makes her voice sound as cold as she can, but the other girl seems completely unfazed by her tone._

_"No," Penelope says, continuing without letting Josie interrupt her._

_"I just wanted to tell you something. It will only take a minute and then I’ll be out of her hair, I promise," Penelope asks, an edge of desperation in her voice._

_Josie relents, because why not? If Penelope leaves her alone after this, it can’t be that bad._   _She sets her book down._

_"Fine, your minute starts now," she states resolutely. To her surprise, Penelope smiles at hearing her cruel words, which throws her off, but she decides not to dwell on it._

_"I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. For everything. For breaking up with you and reading your diary. I just need you to know, that I never meant to hurt you on purpose and that you should really read the letter I gave you before the talent show," Penelope says, all in one breath, as if she’s afraid Josie would interrupt her._

_She has to admit the speech is pretty touching, but it’s still not enough._

_"I can't. I burned it," she snaps at the girl. It’s a lie, buts it doesn’t matter to her. Why does Penelope think her stupid letter will fix anything? She doesn’t need to read it to know that nothing could make her forgive the girl for what she did._

_Penelope looks like she slapped her, and Josie would feel bad, if her own wounds were not still open and aching._

_"Oh…okay," the normally so smooth girl stammers, but she quickly recovers._

_"Then I just want you to know that…I want you to be happy, Josie. If you don’t believe anything else, please believe that," Penelope pleads, and Josie knows she means those words._

_For the first time in a long time, she looks at Penelope without anger or malice, just really takes her in and what she sees worries her._

_Penelope looks tired, there are dark bags under her eyes, and it seems like her ex has also lost weight._

_Before she can dwell on it, Rafael plops down next to her so suddenly that she almost jumps._ _She decides to forget about her worries, after all, Penelope is not her concern anymore._

_"Was that all you wanted to say to me?" she asks, forcing her voice to sound as cold as before._

_Penelope nods, then she turns around, attempting to hide her tears, but Josie sees them._

_Her heart constricts._

_"What did she want?" Rafael asks her and she snaps her attention back to her boyfriend._

_"Nothing important," she replies, but inside she isn’t so sure._

_"She probably wanted to drag you to hell with her," her boyfriend jokes and Josie laughs._

_Still, she can’t shake the feeling that something is terribly wrong with Penelope._

_As it turns out, she should have trusted her gut._

Josie could slap herself; Penelope had been trying to say goodbye and she hadn’t even noticed and now - now Penelope didn't remember her.

"She was trying to tell me…," she whispers, tears welling up in her eyes again. Hope looks at her sharply.

"What do you mean?" She asks. MG also looks curious.

"She tried to talk to me yesterday and I brushed her off. She was trying to tell me, and I didn’t notice," she says bitterly.

"Of course, you didn't, you were too busy being furious with her to notice," Hope says, just as bitterly and it sounds like an accusation.

"Hope!" MG exclaims and Josie feels the anger well up inside her.

"Why didn’t any of you try to tell me what’s going on?" She asks.

"What would you have done if we had? You made it very clear that you don’t care about Penelope anymore so, what would you have done if we told you?" Hope replies and Josie finds that she doesn’t have an answer for the tribrid.

_What would she have done?_

"See, you don’t even know how to answer that, Josie! Also, you have a boyfriend, remember?" Hope goes on and Josie knows that she's right, she herself has no idea what she feels anymore.

"I think…," Hope pauses. "I think you should leave her alone! You’ve hurt her enough already," Hope states and Josie knows, that she can’t even argue.

She did have a boyfriend, who made her happy, so she should let Penelope be happy too, right? No matter how much the other girl had hurt her by going behind her back, she doesn’t remember doing it now, so it doesn’t matter now.

Penelope had told her that she wanted her to be happy and she is. She _is_.

"You’re right," she agrees and then she looks up at Hope.

"I’ll leave her alone, I promise," she says.

"Good," Hope says and then she motions to MG to get back inside the infirmary. MG gives her a sympathetic look, as if he knows something she doesn't and then they both disappear into the infirmary.

Josie is left standing outside alone with only her thoughts keeping her company.

She guesses Penelope not remembering her is her punishment and with how Josie had treated her, she definitely deserves it.

Especially after how she had treated her on the day of the Jolly Days Festival...

_She and Rafael hear about the Jolly Days Festival from Kaleb and they all decide to go. By them she means herself, Rafael, MG and Lizzie. Hope told them to go without her, but Hope had been behaving strangely for a few weeks, disappearing more often and looking perpetually worried about something._

_It becomes clear why Hope has been MIA two hours after they arrived. They had been having fun, Lizzie and Josie got henna tattoos and Rafael freaked out over the petting zoo. As it turns out, the werewolf loved all kinds of different animals. MG had enjoyed everything._

_Josie is laughing, but then she sees something that instantly ruins her mood. She sees Hope and Penelope. Together._  
  
_That’s where Hope was all the time, she was spending time with Penelope! Josie thinks and she sees red._

_"What are you doing with her, Hope? Did you already forget what she did?" She yells and watches Penelope flinch with a sick sort of satisfaction._

_A part of her thinks she shouldn’t enjoy being mean to Penelope this much, but the larger part of her thinks that her ex deserves it._

_"Josie, stop it! You don’t even know what really happened!" Hope protests, but Josie doesn’t care. It infuriates her that Hope is defending Penelope now, when she had been on Josie’s side only weeks before._

_What infuriates her even more is that Penelope herself say nothing._

_"Oh, stop defending her!" Her sister says and Josie is glad that Lizzie has her back, when Hope doesn't. She thought they were all friends after what happened on their road trip and in the aftermath of her revelation, but she’d been wrong._

_"She's lying to you, Hope! Why can't you see that!" Lizzie yells but Hope simply scoffs._  
  
_"She broke my heart; I don't have to have to forgive her for anything!" Josie screams, hoping to get Penelope to react, but the girl looks dazed, as though she’s not even there with them._

_"I didn't say you have to forgive her, but the least you could do is listen to her," Hope insists, and it drives Josie mad._

_Why is Hope defending her? Hope is supposed to be on her side, to be her friend and not Penelope’s! Maybe…_

_"Are the two of you a thing now or why are you defending her?" She can’t help the tone of jealousy creeping into her voice._

_"Why? Are you jealous, Jo-Jo?" Penelope finally decides to join the conversation, but her remark doesn't sound as teasing as it usually would. Instead she sounds bitter, but Josie is still so angry that Penelope even dares to call her Jo-Jo. Also, she doesn’t want to dwell on the fact that maybe, just maybe, she is jealous._

_"I just don’t want her to fall for your stupid lies!" She yells and she sees Penelope flinch, but after that her ex doesn’t react anymore._

_"That’s enough, Josie!" Hope says, a warning in her voice._

_"Why? Is Satan suddenly your friend?" She taunts, but she notices that MG, Rafael and even Lizzie look uncomfortable and suddenly she curses herself. They could have had fun and here she goes, ruining it._

_Before she can make some other remark, Hope’s calm voice cuts through the silence._  
  
_"I don’t think this is the right place to have this conversation, Josie. Penelope and I will leave now."_

_Hope’s voice is low, but sharp like a razor, reminding everyone that Hope Mikaelson is not to be trifled with._

_With her statement, Hope grabs Penelope, who still looks completely dazed, by the arm and speeds off._

**

It's when Penelope is released from the infirmary the next day and just goes on with her life as though nothing had happened, that it sinks in what Penelope not remembering her really means.

She’s in Advanced Civics, the lesson has not started yet, when Penelope enters, followed by Hope and Josie involuntarily stiffens.

She sees Lizzie watching her from the corner of her eye. Her sister had reacted to the situation with a surprising amount of sympathy, given that she never liked Penelope, but Josie knows that Lizzie can literally feel her pain and wants to help alleviate it.

People, Josie included, often forgot that, while Lizzie could be selfish and prone to her episodes due to her bipolar disorder, she wasn’t careless. Yes, often Lizzie had no idea that Josie was suffering, but when she knew, her sister had tried to comfort her in her own way, but Josie had always pushed her feelings down.

She realizes that Penelope had a point when she told her she was codependent and that she should stop swallowing her own feelings.

Josie was aware that she was doing it right now too, Lizzie had tried to comfort her, but Josie had shrugged her of, pretending that it didn’t hurt her, but she knows that Lizzie didn’t believe her.

That’s why her sister is watching her reaction like a hawk, as Penelope sits down in the row behind them, next to Hope who still looks at Josie with animosity in her eyes, which hurts her because she and Hope had been on their way to really being friends.

Still, that pain is nothing compared to the pain that comes when Penelope meets her eyes for a moment. They are still a beautiful green, but they are vacant, completely unknowing and uncaring, when they look at her.

Josie realizes then just how much tenderness, how much _love_ had been in Penelope’s gaze before and she wants to curse herself for not realizing it sooner.

All Josie can think about for the rest of the lesson is the fact that _she_ did this. _She_ is responsible for this and, god, this wasn’t what she had wanted.

Yes, she had wanted to punish Penelope, wanted to hurt her the way she hurt Josie, which she still doesn’t know the reason for, but Penelope not remembering her? That had never been what she wanted.

Josie had never wanted Penelope to turn into a complete stranger, because as the lesson continues, she realizes more and more that this girl that wears _her_ clothes, that speaks with _her_ voice and smirks the way _she_ does, is not _her_ Penelope.

At least not when Penelope is looking at her, because the whole lesson through, Penelope laughs at MGs comic book references and exchanges witty banter with Hope. She also insults Rafael by calling him wolf boy and taunts Lizzie by insulting her outfit.

It’s only when she looks at Josie, that her eyes are empty and there’s no feeling behind her smile. It tears Josie apart every time their eyes meet.

When the lesson ends, Josie realizes that this is what it’s going to be like from now on and she wants to cry.

She doesn’t though, she tries to distract herself, by getting Rafael to leave with her before their shared PE class and sleeping with him to get Penelope and her vacant eyes out of her head.

(It doesn’t work.)

**

The next weeks go by in a similar fashion, with Penelope just going on with her life like nothing has changed, which for her is true and Josie increasingly becoming aware that distracting herself with Rafael is futile.

He is the perfect boyfriend, he is kind, attentive and funny. He knows that her favorite color is red, that she likes cinnamon in her hot chocolate, that she still has nightmares about being buried alive and he is falling in love with her.

Josie can see it in his eyes and it only adds to the guilt she feels for the whole situation with Penelope, because she is starting to realize that she doesn’t feel the same for him.

She likes him yes, but the truth of the matter is, that she had used him to distract herself. She had used him to get over Penelope and she is starting to realize that it’s not working.

Every day, she notices that while Rafael is perfect, he is not perfect for her and she regrets that she didn’t notice all the ways in which he falls short sooner.

She regrets that she hadn’t been ready to admit to herself that no matter what he does, he is never going to be enough.

He is never going to have as sharp of a tongue as _she_ does, he is never going to be even half as funny as _she_ is, and he is definitely never going to make her feel what _she_ made her feel.

His kisses don’t make her feel as safe and loved as _hers_ did and his touches don’t drive her crazy the way _hers_ did.

He is never going to be _her_. He is never going to be Penelope and Josie knows that she is in trouble.

That’s why she is here, standing in front of her boyfriend's dorm door, ready to break up with him and when Rafael opens the door, she can see that he already knows why she’s here.

Still, he lets her in, watches silently as she sits down on his bed and when she looks up, he is gazing back at her with understanding in his eyes.

"You’re here to break up with me, right?" He asks, like he already knows the answer but still hopes that it will change.

"Yes," she breathes, and she sees Rafael close his eyes in pain.

"I’m sorry," she adds.

"I know," he replies and then he looks at her with eyes full of pity, no anger in them at all. He seems upset, but he also like he knew that it was coming.

"It’s because of Penelope," he states and smiles sadly when she flinches. Then, he sits down next to her and takes her hand.

"It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and given the circumstances, I can’t be mad at you," he explains, and Josie starts crying.

"I’m sorry, Raf, I’m sorry," she sobs, but Rafael puts his arms around her, gently shushing her.

"Hey, it’s alright, I don’t blame you," he whispers, and she knows he means it.

She is surprised that he even tries to comfort her, until she remembers that Rafael had lost his girlfriend and that he knows what she’s feeling or can at least sympathize.

He knows what it’s like to lose the person you love and that's when it truly hits her.

_I love Penelope and she doesn’t remember me._

She can’t tell Rafael that, though, doesn’t want to add to his pain because while she lost Penelope, he is losing her.

"I really am sorry, Rafael," she says and then she gets up to leave.

(He doesn’t go after her.)

**

After her realization that she still loved Penelope, Josie has no idea what to do. Rafael is avoiding her, no doubt still trying to get over the fact that she broke up with him and Hope and MG are avoiding her too.

The pain of Penelope not remembering her, increases now that she remembers just how much she loved the girl. Josie realizes that her feelings for Penelope had never gone away fully, she had just denied them.

She had buried them deep inside her, had turned them into hatred, so she didn’t have to admit to herself that a lot of the things Penelope told her, had been the truth. The truth that she didn’t want to hear, like how she never stood up to Lizzie, how she didn’t go after what she wanted and how she just let her own happiness fade away into nothing.

Josie finally understands that while Penelope had broken her heart, she had broken the other girls' heart as well and she desperately wishes she could take it back.

Wishes Penelope would remember, but knows that it won’t happen, so she just avoids Penelope as best as she can.

It works for a week, until Dorian assigns them a project in their Chemistry of Magic class. A project where they have to research a spell and perform it in front of the class. A project that requires a partner and Penelope is her partner, of course.

After Dorian announces their partners, Lizzie looks at her with pity in her eyes, while she walks away to take a seat next to MG.

As soon as she vacated the chair next to Josie, Penelope plops down into it, her signature smirk on her lips and that familiar emptiness behind her eyes.

"So, how do you want to do this, Josie?" Penelope asks, the way she says her name so completely wrong, so disinterested, lacking the tender inflection it used to have, that Josie almost bolts.

She hates that it sounds like this. Even when they had first started to talk in this very class, Penelope had said her name with a teasing lilt in her voice.

Now, it's flat and polite.

It's wrong.

"I guess we should pick a spell, then go to the library and do some research," she suggests and Penelope nods.

"Sounds good, let's meet tomorrow if that’s alright with you," Penelope suggests, her voice so neutral and almost business-like that Josie wants to take her by the shoulders and yell at her that this is all wrong.

That Penelope should look at her with _something_ in her eyes and not be this polite person that doesn’t care about her.

Penelope should tease her again, should have her annoying smug smirk on her lips, while she is telling Josie the things she doesn’t want to hear, but needs to hear, with startling clarity.

The girl should be furious with her, should demand for her to listen and this time she would, god, she would. Then they could make up and be happy, the way they were before Penelope had broken up with her.

Instead she nods and watches as Penelope goes back to sit next to Hope.

This must be what Penelope felt, every time Josie walked away from her and Josie realizes now, that it was a part of the reason why Penelope had broken up with her.

The fact that she always put herself second, that she never stood up for herself and that she never even fought for their relationship. She just let Penelope go, thinking that the girl had broken up with her out of malice, when Penelope had never stopped loving her.

Josie thinks that maybe she deserves to be left behind.

She meets Penelope in the library the next day and when she sees Penelope sitting at their favorite table – which the girl doesn’t even know – she is suddenly attacked by the images of their numerous study dates.

She remembers them so vividly that her heart is burning in her chest from the knowledge that it will never be like that again.

That they will never spend hours in the library together like they had when they had been a couple. That they will never study together or again or at least she would try to study, while Penelope would try and often succeed to distract her with downright awful puns and stupid jokes.

Josie loved those times, because no one but her got to see that Penelope Park, HWIC, is actually a giant dork.

She also loved the times when they, when everyone else had already left, would spend hours kissing each other, giggling and making sure no one caught them.

Josie could cry from knowing it would never be like that again, but then she gathers herself and sits down next to Penelope.

"Hey," she says, trying to keep the memories at bay.

"Hey," the other girl says, her voice still sounding so wooden when she talks to her.

"So, which spell should we do?" Josie asks and she is proud of herself for managing to sound so normal, when inside of her, there is only pain pulsing through her veins, both at the familiarity of the situation she finds herself in and the knowledge that everything has changed.

That the person across from her has changed.

"I was thinking that we could do a protection spell. They're not too hard and I've heard that you're quite capable and I'm not so bad myself, so it should be a piece of cake," Penelope says and it's another stab into Josie's heart.

Penelope was the one who told her that she was capable, the one who encouraged her to learn more spells and the one she practiced them with.

Now, she _heard_ it from someone.

"Ok," she manages to say, through the lump in her throat.

"Alright, then we should go gather some books," Penelope says, completely oblivious to Josie's pain and then she goes to find some books. After swallowing hard, to keep herself in check, Josie does the same.

The study session goes without a hitch for the next hour and Josie can almost forget her predicament.

That is, until they take a break from their studying.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" Penelope starts, surprising Josie, who still can't wrap her head around the fact that Penelope is still the same, yet so different.

"Yes, of course," she answers, hoping for some personal question.

"Do you think Amy is single?" The question is like a punch in the gut.

Amy Graves is the new girl, a werewolf, who had transferred to the Salvatore School a week after Penelope had been released from the infirmary.

The girl is insanely beautiful, with ocean blue eyes, dark hair and the body of a freaking Greek goddess. She also happens to be an extremely nice person, so Josie can't even hate her.

Still, she feels burning, hot jealousy spread through her entire body. She manages to get herself under control pretty fast, so she can answer Penelope, but the jealousy is still simmering under the surface.

"I don’t know, maybe you should ask her," she grinds about, between clenched teeth and she knows that Penelope has noticed it.

"Ok," the girl says and leaves it at that, but when Josie sees Penelope the next day, she knows just from the satisfied look in the girl's eyes, that Amy is, in fact, single.

It only adds to the heartbreak of knowing that, once upon a time, Penelope had that look in her eyes because of Josie.

The next two study sessions go by without a hitch, although Josie has to watch Penelope text Amy with a smile on her face that was once directed at Josie. Even worse is the fact that the empty look never leaves Penelope's eyes.

It probably won’t ever go away.

Because that Penelope is gone. Just like her mum and Josie can’t help but to cry for Penelope the same way she cried for her mum.

Alone, in the darkness of her bedroom, long after Lizzie has fallen asleep.

**

Although she knows that the blame for this lies solely on her, nothing could have prepared Josie for the sight that greets her when Lizzie finally convinces her to go to the party some students are throwing at the old mill.

"Come on, Jo, you can't spend every day holed up in your room, you’ve done nothing but that for three weeks, you should at least try to move on or at least distract yourself."

Lizzie adds the last part, after seeing the look on Josie's face. Josie briefly entertains the thought of denying her sister, but she knows that Lizzie can be even more stubborn than herself, so she agrees.

She's really regretting it now. Lizzie has already abandoned her to flirt with some guy, the music at the party is horrible, there are only drunk students around her, and the worst part is, Penelope is there.

But she's not alone, Amy is with her. The girl is hanging onto every word Penelope says and Josie knows she can't blame her for it.

She can only blame herself and she also knows the effect Penelope has on people.

 _Had_ on her.

Lizzie had called her a player once, but she couldn’t be further off if she tried. Penelope wasn’t a player at all, quite the opposite.

When Penelope was really, truly interested in someone, she made them feel like they were the most important person on earth.

At least that's what she had done with Josie. Penelope was always attentive, always reassuring and always interested in what she had to say. She was kind and funny, always making Josie laugh until she dribbled, but she could also talk about literally anything, from TV shows to deep philosophical discussions.

And when she flirted with her, don’t even get her started. Penelope had seduction down to a T. From the way she looked at her with her beautiful green eyes, her "seduction eyes" as Josie had called them, to the way she managed to make the simplest phrases sound like honey in her ears and the way she touched her…

So, Josie knew why Amy was hanging onto every word Penelope is saying and it kills her. She wants to run over to them, knock Amy out and kiss Penelope, showing everyone around them that the girl is hers.

But she couldn’t do that, because Penelope didn’t even remember that she had been Josie's once, in the first place.

That’s why she stands in one corner of the old mill, drinking some alcoholic beverage that she forgot the name of and tortures herself by observing them.

Watches how Penelope smiles at Amy, brushes her hand up and down the other girls' arm and then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, she watches Penelope lean in and kiss Amy.

It hurts like hell; Josie feels tears sting her eyes and her hands start to tremble. She hates this, hates stupid Amy, hates the fucking universe for taking Penelope from her and hates herself for letting it happen.

So, she does the stupidest thing she could do.

She decides to drown her sorrows in alcohol, which leads to her stealing a bottle of cheap vodka and heading back to the school. Once she is in her room which is thankfully empty, as Lizzie is still at the party, Josie sits down on the floor in front of her bed and leans her head back against the wood.

In her heart, she knows that she has no right to be upset, after all, _she_ is the cause for all of this, but it still hurts so much.

Josie takes a sip from the vodka, the burning in her throat, doing nothing to soothe the pain in her heart. Instead she thinks about the way Penelope had tried to help her this past year and she hadn’t realized it.

How Penelope had gotten the witches to vote for her, how she helped her perform at the talent show and how she had tried to help her win Miss Mystic Falls.

Hell, the girl had helped to save her from her freaking zombie mum and what had she done?

She had told her ex that she was Satan, that she was evil, that she hated her, and she had blamed Penelope for being the reason that she got buried alive. She had told the girl that they would never get back together and then she proceeded to destroy her ex’s heart. She had punished the girl, because she thought that Penelope betrayed her trust and as justified as her anger had been, she could have listened to Penelope.

She should have.

She should have done so many things, but she didn’t and now she was paying the price. What stung the most was that Penelope had never tried to do the same, had never tried to hurt her the way she had done, had never retaliated, had simply accepted her hatred and then only asked her for one thing.

For her to listen and she hadn’t. Why had she done it? Why hadn’t she listened to her when she told her to read the letter?

_The letter._

The letter that she had told Penelope that she burned, but she hadn’t. Lizzie had asked her to, but Josie couldn’t bring herself to do it, just like she couldn’t bring herself to read it.

Instead, she had hidden it between two of her books on her shelf.

Now she gets up and pulls the letter out from its hiding place, sits down on her bed and opens it. Penelope’s neat, elegant handwriting greets her:

_Dear Jojo,_

_There’s so much I want to say to you, but I find myself unable to actually say these words to you in person, so this will have to do and please don’t stop reading until you get to the end, okay?_

_First off, I want you to know that I never wanted to break up with you, but I had no choice._

_I know this sounds like a stupid apology, but it’s the truth. If it was up to me, we’d still be together, and we would be happy. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way._

_Remember when I gave you that pen for Christmas? It was spelled._ _Alisha, you know the one you don’t like? She dared me to do it and you know me…I couldn’t resist. So, I did it and I gave them to everyone. Including you._

_Josie, I swear on my life, I didn’t read what you wrote, until after we broke up. I just wanted to know how you were doing, if you were moving on, if you finally started to understand that you matter._

_Because you do, Jo-Jo, you don’t even know how much._

_Anyway, back to the pens. It was fun to read what everyone wrote or at least until I read what your dad wrote about something called The Merge._

_I would tell you more, but you need to talk to your dad in person or come to me when you read this. I can give you every entry that was ever written down at the Salvatore School._

_Just now, that the Merge is serious and it’s the reason I broke up with you. It’s a ritual your coven does and it’s…well let’s just say it doesn’t have a happy ending and I can’t have you not have that._

_I wanted you to fight for yourself, so I gave you a villain to fight. Me._

_And it worked, you started to speak your mind and stand up to Lizzie and I’m so proud of you Josie._  
_You may be wondering why I’m writing this now. It’s because I can’t watch you being kept in the dark and I just want you to know the truth._

_I hope that one day you may be able to forgive me and if you can’t then I just want you to know that you’re an amazing girl, Josie._

_You are kind and caring and you deserve all the happiness in the world, and I know you’ll find it._

_I love you, Jo-Jo._

_Yours always,_  
_Penelope_

By the time she’s finished, tears are rolling down her face and she absolutely _hates_ herself. All this time Penelope had tried to save her from this Merge thing, which she knows she needs to ask her dad about, and she had thought that the girl just didn’t care about her.

Suddenly, she _needs_ to see Penelope, the alcohol in her head telling her that it’s the most important thing in the world.

It’s only when she is already desperately knocking on Penelope’s door, it occurs to her how utterly insane this is.

What is she even going to say? Penelope has no idea that she even did any of the things she has done for Josie in the past year, she has no idea Josie ever even meant that much to her.

She doesn’t have time to think about it further, because Penelope opens the door and Josie loses the ability to breathe.

The girl is wearing a well-worn Panic! At the Disco shirt, her dark hair is in complete disarray and her green eyes are so alive, that it makes Josie smile.

That’s when she notices the hickey on Penelope’s neck.

Oh.

_Oh._

She feels her heart crack.

"Josie? What are you doing here? "The girl asks, looking at her with total confusion, but before Josie can answer, a voice from inside the room calls out.

"Babe, who is at the door?" It’s Amy and Josie feels her heart shatter into a million pieces, but then a thought strikes her.

What if Amy is Penelope’s second chance, the chance at happiness that Josie so crudely denied her?

"It’s Josie," Penelope answers, looking at Josie clearly excepting an answer as to why she’s here, but Josie is frozen.

What if this is how it's supposed to be? What if this is what the universe wants, for Penelope to move on and for Josie to be left behind.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

"I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…I’ll just go," she mumbles and flees.

She hears Penelope call her name, but she ignores it. She runs back to her room, takes the bottle of vodka and goes to the roof.

It’s where she empties the whole bottle, which leads to her puking her guts out the rest of the night.

It doesn’t matter to her; nothing can be worse than knowing that Penelope has moved on.

**

The next few weeks Josie avoids Penelope at all cost, hell she avoids everyone, to the point where even Hope and MG are trying to talk to her, even though they were the ones to tell her to leave Penelope alone.

She buries herself in studying for her tests and spends the nights on the roof, alone, with nothing keeping her company except her thoughts and the alcohol she steals sometimes.

She doesn’t know what else to do, it’s not like she can change anything. It’s way too late for that, which she realizes every time she sees Amy and Penelope together.

Josie wants nothing more than for Penelope to remember her, to remember them but she knows it’s in vain.

What she does is confront her dad about the Merge and that’s when she learns, truly learns, just how deep Penelope’s love for her had been. 

Penelope had not only been trying to get her to be more selfish, she’d been trying to _save_ her life and Josie had foolishly thought that the girl never loved her at all. Now she can’t even thank her. She can’t thank the one person who did everything for her, and it kills her.

After their talk with her dad, she immediately goes to hide on the roof, but not before stealing another bottle again.

Halfway through the bottle, she hears Lizzie’s footsteps behind her.

Lizzie doesn’t say anything; she just sits down next to her and takes the bottle from her to take a huge gulp of it herself.

Josie watches her wince from the taste, but she can’t find it in her to grin at her sister’s face.

They sit there in silence, sharing the bottle.

"Penelope knew, didn’t she?" Lizzie asks her softly and the question burns through her in a way not unlike the alcohol burns in her throat.

She nods, not trusting herself to speak.

"That’s why she did everything she did, she didn’t do those things to hurt me or you, she did them _for_ you," Lizzie goes on and that’s when she can’t hold back her tears anymore.

Lizzie doesn’t say anything more, just puts her arm around her, letting Josie cry her heart out on her shoulder and whispering that everything is going to be okay.

(They both know that it’s not.)

**

When she enters the kitchen after one of her sleepless nights after not being able to sleep, Penelope is there, drinking a hot chocolate. She’s wearing a T-shirt with a whale on it and the words Bisexuwhale on them and it reminds Josie how much of a dork Penelope actually is.

Josie is prepared for Penelope questioning her about why she had come to her room in the middle of the night and why she had avoided her these past weeks, but nothing comes.

Instead Penelope asks her something entirely different.

"You want some hot chocolate?" Josie nods, a little confused as to why Penelope is asking her something like that, but she’s not going to say no.

She loves hot chocolate and somehow it always tasted better when Penelope made it. Penelope goes to get a mug and then she pours the rest of the hot chocolate she apparently made for herself into it.

Then she takes the mug with her to the other side of the kitchen and Josie only realizes what she is putting into her mug when Penelope puts it back in front of her and a familiar scent fills her nose.

"Is that cinnamon?" She asks, staring at Penelope completely bewildered. Penelope absolutely _hates_ cinnamon, she only put it in whenever she made hot chocolate for Josie, but Penelope shouldn’t remember this at all.

"Yes" Penelope replies, sounding off. "It’s your favorite," Penelope states, like she doesn’t even have to think about it, her eyes unfocused and far away.

"Wait, how did I know that?" Penelope whispers and then she suddenly clutches her head and groans.

Then she completely loses her balance and Josie barely manages to catch her by the arm. The contact whips through her like electricity, she hadn’t touched Penelope in so long that she had almost forgotten how soft her skin was.

 _Stop it, Josie, this is really not the right time for this!_ She scolds herself in her head and helps Penelope sit down. Penelope is white as a sheet and it worries Josie. Clearly, remembering is not good for Penelope, the girl looks like she’s about to faint.

"My head hurts so bad...," Penelope groans and that’s when Hope enters. When the tribrid sees the state Penelope is in, she immediately rushes towards her.

"Are you okay?" She asks, as Josie steps aside to let Hope handle it. Penelope looks at Hope a little confused, but then her eyes clear and she instantly looks better.

"I think so…that was weird, but I’m fine now, thanks, Hope," Penelope says, already looking better.

"I think, I better go now, night Josie, night Hope," Penelope bids them goodbye and leaves.

Hope looks at Josie with utter confusion.

"What the hell was that?"

"She was remembering, Hope…she gave me some hot chocolate and she put cinnamon in it," Josie explains, not knowing whether to laugh or cry, because while Penelope was remembering it seemed to hurt her and the last thing Josie wants is to hurt the girl more than she already has.

"Penelope hates cinnamon," Hope states.

"But I love it," Josie whispers.

"You’re not supposed to do this, Josie, you could seriously hurt her, she looked like she was about to faint. Please, stop doing this," Hope warns her.

"I didn’t do it on purpose…," she protests, and it was the truth, she hadn’t done it on purpose.

"I don’t care, see that it doesn’t happen again. I don’t know what could happen if you trigger more of her memories," Hope explains and after giving her another warning glare, she leaves her alone.

Josie doesn’t know what to think.

She does want Penelope to remember, so that she could beg her forgiveness, prove to her that she loves her too and maybe even convince her to give her another chance.

She wants her Penelope back, but she doesn’t want to put the girl in danger. Maybe it’s better if Penelope doesn’t remember her, so Josie vows to keep her distance.

(It doesn’t work.)

**

After the incident with the mug, Josie notices the differences in Penelope. The girl starts to look at her more, even though Josie still sees Amy and Penelope holding hands in the hallway and kissing in the library.

She looks more alive when she looked at Josie, her eyes less vacant and more open, which sends Josie’s heart into overdrive, but she also remembers Hope’s warning, so she decides not to get her hopes up.

Penelope had looked sick when she remembered and none of them had any idea what could happen if she remembered more. Although it shouldn’t be possible, Hope had told MG, who had told Josie, that the spell wasn’t reversible, and that Penelope shouldn’t be able to remember.

The fact that she did was dangerous, according to Freya. It could severely hurt her if she remembered more and so Josie really tries to avoid Penelope, which doesn’t work, because the girl seeks her out.

Josie is on the roof again one night – without alcohol this time – thinking about Penelope and she suddenly hears footsteps behind her.

She thinks it’s Lizzie at first, but she soon realizes that it’s the girl she has been thinking about.

"Josie?" Penelope calls out and Josie turns around.

"Hey," she replies, not knowing why Penelope is even here.

"Why are you up here?" they both ask at the same time. There’s a pause and then they both start to laugh.

Josie realizes that it has been a long time, since she has heard Penelope laugh and it warms her heart. She had always loved Penelope’s laugh; it always came out as more of a giggle and Penelope looked absolutely adorable whenever she laughed.

She missed the sound so much and she’s glad she gets to hear it.

Penelope comes to sit down next to her.

Suddenly, Josie has no idea what to say. It’s been a long time since they were up here together. It had been their favorite spot when they were a couple.They would go up there together whenever they got the chance and it always seemed like they were the only two people in the world when they were up there.

"So…," Penelope starts, and Josie knows she won't like whatever Penelope is about to say.

"We never talked about why you came to my room a few weeks ago," Penelope says, and Josie closes her eyes, in order to get the memory out of her head.

"I was drunk, Penelope, so I wasn’t really thinking clearly," she knows it’s not a good excuse, but she has never been a good liar.

"I don’t think that’s true; you didn’t seem that drunk," Penelope asserts, not relenting the slightest and Josie is left desperately searching for an explanation.

"And when you saw Amy, you seemed completely heartbroken," Penelope continues, not even giving her a chance to respond.

"Because I like her!" Josie blurts out, panicking at the increasing vehemence of Penelope’s assertions.

Penelope for her part, looks completely flabbergasted.

"What?" She sputters, looking at her with disbelief.

"I…I saw the two of you kissing at the party…and I got jealous," Josie says, in what she hopes is a convincing voice. The other girl looks a little unsure whether or not to believe her and Josie is reminded that this Penelope is not hers.

Her Penelope would immediately call bullshit and see through all of her facades with practiced ease. This Penelope however doesn’t.

"And you came to my room because…?" She asks, trailing of at the end.

"I wanted to…keep you from her," Josie replies, knowing that it makes her sound like a complete moron, but she needs Penelope to believe her, Hope’s warning still in the back of her head.

Apparently, what she said really makes her look like an idiot, because Penelope looks at her like she has lost her mind.

"You wanted to keep me away from her, by doing what…. interrupting us? That’s…wow…that’s a lot, Josie," Penelope says, and Josie can see that Penelope is upset, but not upset enough. Josie realizes that she has to hurt Penelope in order to get her to stop asking questions.

So, she does.

"I think she can do better than you," she says and sees Penelope flinch. Her heart is screaming at her that she is hurting her, that she needs to stop, but her head knows this is necessary.

She can’t have Penelope remember, she has no idea what will happen, and she’ll take a Penelope that doesn’t remember her over a hurt, or worse, a dead Penelope every day.

 _The things I do for love_ , she quotes Jaime Lannister in her head, but she knows it’s true. Penelope had given her everything, it was time she did the same.

"You…you don’t even _know_ me, Josie! I won’t sit here and let you insult me like this and newsflash you can’t keep Amy from me, because she’s not an object!" Penelope yells at her and before she can reply, the girl has already stormed of.

Mission accomplished, because for the next week, Penelope doesn’t look at her anymore, doesn’t acknowledge her at all, but Josie knows that the girl goes the extra mile to show her that Amy is with her.

Penelope is always by the girl's side, holding her hand, stroking down her arm or practically sitting in her lap at any given opportunity.Kissing her right in front of Josie, which still hurts, even though Josie has gotten used to the pain. Still, she knows it’s for the best, given the alternatives.

She couldn’t bear to be responsible for something worse to happen to Penelope, at least this way she will be safe and have a chance at being happy.

Josie doesn’t care anymore that she herself won’t be.

(All that matters is Penelope.)

**

The first time Josie sees Penelope after lying to her about why she’d gone to her room, is at the breakfast table.

When Josie walks in and locks eyes with Penelope, she sees the girl immediately lean in to kiss Amy, like she’s making a point and she does.

It twists the knife deeper into her heart and she just avoids crying again.

She knows she didn’t have another choice, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t kill her seeing Penelope with someone else.

Someone who isn’t her.

The next week goes by with Penelope demonstrating that Amy is with her, to stake her claim. She is constantly at the other girl’s side, holding her hand and kissing her whenever she can.

Josie can’t blame Penelope for doing it and she knows that Penelope can be really jealous, especially when she is really interested.

After all Penelope had acted the same way two months after they started dating, when she thought that one of the wolves was interested in her and Josie had realized how possessive and jealous Penelope was.

Now, she hated it. Penelope constantly glared at her and made sure to be as bitchy as possible just to spite her.

Josie finally got some of her own medicine, though Penelope wasn’t nearly as vicious as she herself had been when she thought Penelope had spied on her. Penelope’s hostility was nothing like the one Josie had had for her, which she regrets more than anything, but Penelope’s doesn’t last nearly as long as Josie’s had.

She notices it when she sees Penelope in the library one day and Amy isn’t with her for once. They make eye contact for a short moment and Josie sees something flash in Penelope’s eyes. It's very similar to the unfocused gaze she had when she remembered in the kitchen.

But the look is gone as quickly as it came and the moment Amy enters, Penelope is latching on to her immediately like she’s trying to prove something to herself.

Josie doesn’t know what the look means, but she knows that Penelope starts to send her more looks like that one over the course of the next week.

It makes her heart ache for a simpler time, a time where she didn’t have to think about what Penelope’s gazes mean. Where she knew that the girl loved her and if Josie was honest with herself, she always knew, even when she denied it to herself.

Even when she had treated Penelope like the dirt, she knew. That was part of why she did it, because she knew Penelope would let her. Penelope would let her insult her, hurt her and break her heart and she wouldn’t do anything.

She wants to go back to that time, wants to make Penelope remember so she can ask her to forgive her and they can move on from it. But she knows that she can’t risk Penelope’s life for her own selfish wishes.

(It turns out that she doesn’t have a choice.)

**

Two weeks after their conversation on the roof, there’s a knock on her door. Lizzie is in class, but Josie is skipping once again, not wanting to see Penelope.

When she opens the door, she lets out a gasp of surprise when she realizes that it’s the girl haunting her every waking moment.

_Penelope._

She’s holding a box in her hands and there is no anger in her eyes anymore. Instead, they are confused and glazed over.

"Penelope, what are you doing here?" she asks, confused as to why the girl is here.

"Can I come in?" the girl asks and Josie nods.

Penelope enters, looking around the room as though she recognizes it and then she focuses on Josie again.

"So, I found this box underneath my bed yesterday and there are a lot of strange things in here," Penelope explains and then she opens the box.

Josie gasps, when she sees what’s in it. There are dozens of photos, some of them pictures Penelope had taken of her and then printed out, as well as selfies they had taken together.

Josie had often teased her about it, because the whole HWIC thing had apparently only been a front for the hopeless romantic that Penelope actually is.

Looking at the pictures now, Josie is truly hit by how _happy_ they look.

There are also a dozen movie tickets from movies they had dragged each other to and a thick, red, leather-bound book with Penelope’s name on it that Josie doesn’t recognize.

It hits her that it must be where everything that was written down with the magic pens must be in, but it doesn’t matter when she sees the look in Penelope’s eyes.

The girl knows that Josie recognizes all of this and she sees the confusion increase.

"I don’t know why I have all of this, but you clearly do! It looks like we were a…. couple? But I have no idea how that can be the case, I don’t even know you! Explain this!"

Josie just stares at the girl, having no idea what to say, but seeing that Penelope, the old Penelope, _her_ Penelope had kept all of this, it does things to Josie’s heart.

Before she even realizes what, she’s doing, Josie is already moving. She steps forward, right into Penelope’s personal space and kisses her.

The other girl stiffens in shock and Josie realizes that this is a horrible, horrible idea and she starts to pull back, but then, Penelope’s hands come up to cup her face and she starts to kiss her back.

It’s a soft kiss, barely there but to Josie it feels like coming home and she remembers how much she loves kissing Penelope.

The other girl had always kissed her so carefully, as if Josie was the most precious thing on earth and Penelope was lucky that she even got to kiss her. Josie sighs into the kiss as it deepens. Penelope’s lips are really as soft as she remembers and the way her hands cup her face is so familiar, that it almost brings her to tears.

 _I missed you so much_ , is the only thing going through her head.

Penelope pulls away after a moment and leans her forehead against hers the way she used to. It makes Josie’s heart ache in the best of ways and she leans back in to connect their lips again.

Their second kiss starts the same way the first one did, with Penelope’s soft lips on her own and after a short moment, her hands coming up to cradle her face again. They move slowly and unhurried, as though they have all the time left in the world, but after a few minutes, the kiss gets more intense.

Josie starts to lose herself in it, her arms come up to pull the other girl closer and her mouth opens, granting her access.

The world melts away until there’s nothing left expect _Penelope_. Her perfume clouding Josie’s senses, one of her warm hands gently stroking her cheek and the other on her neck, keeping her in place. Not that Josie wants to move away. She never wants to leave Penelope’s arms, wants to spend her entire life kissing Penelope, but then the girl pulls away suddenly.

Before Josie can ask her what’s wrong, Penelope turns away from her and empties blood and flowers onto the floor of the room.

Then, she collapses.

"Penelope!!"Josie yells, darting forward to break Penelope’s fall.

She sinks to the floor with Penelope in her arms and gently cushions her head in her lap.

The girl has gone completely white in the matter of seconds, a stark contrast to the dark red blood on her lips and she is struggling for air. Josie gently strokes the girl’s cheek and desperately think about what she should do.

She knows she should get help, but something inside her protests against it. It’s like her heart knows that if she leaves now, Penelope is not going to be alive when she comes back.

The girl is deteriorating incredibly fast right before her eyes. Her skin is even whiter than before, almost translucent, she has started shivering and her eyes are already starting to lose focus.

It fixes Josie to the spot. She can’t lose Penelope now, not after she had realized just how much she needed the other girl in her life. How much she really loved her.

"Hey, Penny…hey. You’re going to be okay…" she whispers, stroking Penelope’s cheek, desperately trying to make herself believe her own words.

It doesn’t work.

"Liar," the girl rasps out, a sad smile on her face. Then she coughs again, blood trailing out of one corner of her mouth and Josie turns her over on one side. Flowers once again pour out of Penelope’s mouth and blood covers the floor.

Josie starts to hate the sight of blood, especially the sight of Penelope’s blood. She hates what it means.

"Please…Penelope don’t leave me …You have to stay with me! I can’t lose you, not now…please…" she cries, her lip trembling and tears starting to fill her eyes.

She knows that she’s begging, but she doesn’t care. Suddenly, Penelope’s body starts to convulse and Josie panics.

"Penelope stay with me, okay? Please!" She holds on to Penelope tightly, trying to stop the convulsions, stroking her cheeks to try and keep the girl with her.

It works for a little moment, but then Penelope’s eyes start to close.

"No! Penelope don’t close your eyes! I need you to look at me!" Josie is yelling now because Penelope can’t die.

She just can’t.

Josie didn’t even get to apologize, to let the other girl know how sorry she is for treating her the way she did. For yelling at her, insulting her and not even listening to her when she tried to explain things. For not realizing that Penelope loves her and that she loves Penelope in return.

Penelope does what Josie asked of her, she looks at her and her eyes aren’t empty anymore. She looks at her the way she used to, with her eyes full of tenderness and wonder, like Josie is the most important person to ever exist.

It makes Josie incredibly happy and immensely sad at the same time.

Josie knows she has to tell Penelope the truth, has to tell her before it’s over.

"I love you," Josie whispers, tears rolling down her cheeks and falling onto Penelope’s ashen face. The girl is gasping now, her breathing irregular and strained. Josie knows that she’s dying.

"I love you _so_ much, so you can’t die, okay?" She knows it’s too late, but she still hopes her words will magically heal Penelope.

(They don’t.)

Penelope smiles at her once she registers her words, but then the girl closes her eyes and goes still in Josie’s arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Quote at the beginning is from the colour of leaving by parkway drive.
> 
> Leave kudos or a comment or about how much you hate me 😂😂


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